At Home Couple's Therapy Questions to Stop Relationship Fighting

3 Question Quick Query: San Diego Therapy

If you are experiencing friction (fighting) in relationships, it is advised that you ask yourself the following 3 questions:

1.     How important is the content we are fighting about to me? (1-10) Is it worth the demise of the relationship? (yes or no).

2.     Is this frictional content something new or is it part of a recurring relational theme?  

3.      At the moment, what is my personal timeline with respect to the frictional issue in terms of my need to resolve, move forward and/or let go of it? (1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year).

1. Many couples fight to greater or lesser degrees. The couple often fights about content that is perceived important to both individuals.  However in terms of the bigger couple's picture, the individual content is based on ego desire and is not in the best interest of the relationship.   

Ego desire is frequently not in line with the relational ego, yet we do not consciously think of this discrepancy.  We hold onto our ego desires and make the friction about "me" versus "you."

A relational ego and an individual ego must be differentiated, because if individual ego content is insisted on by both parties . . . often, the "ego content" results in a moot issue, as the relationship demises in friction before conclusion  is ever reached.  

 An example of this concept  of "relational ego versus individual ego" is fighting about whether or not each member of the couple wants to have 2 or 3 kids.  A couple may spend so much time arguing about finances, decisions, attempts to influence the other with respect to # of kids,  that the couple answer becomes obvious  . . .neither 2 or 3 (depending on starting point), as the couple ends up splitting where they are at.  

(With respect to LIVIN4d, it is typically the Orange Personality Type who will walk away from the relationship first when friction is occurring as the "affect range tolerance" is less than the Blue Personality Type.  Orange will have less attachment patience and/or patience threshold for fighting.  Orange would be classified as the "distancer" and Blue would be classified as the "pursuer."

This "less attachment style" is not better or worse than Blue, nor does it mean that the Orange cares less about "other" or about the relationship.  It simply has to do with the acceleration tolerance of the person.  If we think about these two personality types (Orange and Blue) in terms of cars, one car is ok to rev the engine up to 5 revolutions per minute and the other will not go past 3.5 rpms.  Keep this concept in mind when you are determining level of "ego  importance" with respect to the " relational ego" decision.  If your partner is an Orange, s/he may not be willing to put up with the same amount of "friction" or fighting as you).  It is for this reason that it is important for you as an individual to decide whether or not the content of fighting is worth possible ending of the relationship.

If couples just shared time and space internally sitting with their varying personal ego desires for a long enough period in time, the relational answer often gets subconsciously influenced in the direction that is best for the couple.  This doesn’t always mean that ego-self is satisfied, but the relational satisfaction will often overpower the individual ego dissatisfaction.  However, it ultimately comes down to whether or not you put your own ego needs ahead of relational needs or vice versa. If the ladder is the case, the relational friction will continue.  

The concept of "relational friction" also brings up an interesting point which is, whether or not individuals feel connected through the friction/fighting?  Many times, people will gravitate toward each other who have negative attachment styles. . . .meaning that they feel loved and cared about through the fighting.  Individuals who have positive attachment styles feel loved and cared about through sharing activities and non-fighting material.  Something to think about for your personal selves and the dynamics you create!

2.  As alluded to in the expansion of question 1, the pivotal frictional question can have a tendency to spoke out into different areas of couple’s arguing.  It won't always manifest like, "I want to have 2 kids."  "Well I want to have 1." "Screw you." "Yeah I want to be screwed." (LOL).

Using the above example from #1, individuals can fight about: finances, recreational time, sibling’s affect, vacations, nannies etc. all of which are driven by the below surface frictional question, "Do I (we, you) want to have 2 or 3 kids?   It is important to be individually in touch with the main “hub of content” of fighting such that one can internally monitor the upset rather than have the friction spew out all over the place.   

To use an analogy, uncontained friction is like jumping from state to state with no containing boundaries or borders.  Be aware of drawing the relational emotional reactivity lines and expectations such that you don’t end up moving coast to coast and traveling uncontrolled emotional territories. You'll pay an accumulated tax price on the relationship without even being aware of it along the way.  It will be a retroactive fee.

3.  If you notice yourself  ruminating on the “issue,”  and it has been an issue for 3 months, 6 months or a year (depending on your time line), it is simple .  . . Re-evaluate to yourself if the issue is more personally important than the relationship is to you.   

 If you notice yourself ruminating on the "issue" at one day, one week or three, notice how you externally manifest the internal upset.  Find ways to curb your external manifest and distract yourself as you would be "spewing your emotional ego hurt onto partner which will not project you in the direction you want to go in terms of creating the environment to get what you want.  (Find alternative outlets to filter this internal emotional ego hurt such as art, jogging or walking, friends, yoga, cooking etc).

If you decide the personal ego issue is more important to you than relational ego, before making any quick decisions, approach your partner and dialogue.  It may sound like this, “Babe, 6 months ago, we talked about having a 3^rd child.  I know and understand where you were at during the time.  I haven’t brought up the issue again in the last (6) months (and that has taken a lot of internal work and effort as I have chosen to put the relationship and my love for you first).  I am letting you know I have been sitting with my ego attachment (content) and enjoying our company and shared activities in the interim.   

The "issue" is still as important to me. (Or it is 80% as important to me as it was, but important enough for me to bring up again).  I am going to sit with the idea for another 3 months (or 6 months, whatever feels appropriate to you) to see if I am ok letting go of my individual ego needs to honor and feed the relationships. I’m not sure yet? . . . But I’m letting you know that "this issue" may be so important to me that I'd be willing to walk away from this relationship.  I am not threatening you in any way.  I just want to communicate the level of my ego importance so that we can both sit with the idea and make adult decisions in terms of what is best for our "individual egos" and/or preservation of the relationship "couple ego."

Then, give more time for your partner to experience the weight of content importance so that s/he can decide whether or not "individual ego" versus "couple ego" holds more weight.  Reminder:  Never take it personally that you as an individual are not valued by other.  It is not about "me versus you" although relational friction usually makes it seem like this is the case.