Twist: Silent Fighting Without Scorn

Couples get into arguments over the course of time.  As we are all unique individuals, there will undoubtedly be times when two people don't agree.

The more attachment each person has to the outcome, the greater the intensity of emotion, the greater the resistance to other (if not in line) and the increased likelihood for interpersonal escalation.  As mentioned in a previous livin4dtoo post, to give each person some frame of reference of other's attachment to an outcome, it is important to rate the level of attachment on a 1-10 scale. Sometimes it is important to share these attachment levels and sometimes it is simply an important self awareness skill in terms of being able to monitor internal reactivity.  Knowing an internal attachment level also helps in the decision of choosing self ego vs relational ego and which one to "feed."

If you and a partner are at a "deadlock" and your verbal arguing is increasing to the point where you feel an anxiety or anger manifestation in your body and/or you begin:

1. saying mean things, 
2. checking out or 
3. wanting to leave the premises, 

this is the space in which it is helpful to enact "Silent Fighting Without Scorn."

 When you twist your minds and bodies to "fight" in new directional paths, you can expect your outcomes to also be in new directional paths.  Transcend the words and move into solution.  Create a shared relational soma-signal so that when one of you does this signal, for ONE MINUTE, your mouths are entirely closed. If you pre-determine a "shared relational soma-signal," you will be able to access this signal as an easy go to technique when friction starts escalating and the other will know what you are doing.  You won't have to even talk about it.  You can just move into action.  When one person puts up the designated signal, it's time to switch fighting pathways, no questions asked.

I experience a good signalling method to be putting a fist up in the air to not only "put a stop on the self's escalation" but to inform the other of your desire to switch relational gears.  (It is also important to be on the same page with the shared relational soma-signal such that one partner doesn't think the fist in air technique represents wanting to slug a person or punch him out ;) haha).

Use your body and household quick grabbable props if needed to exaggerate your point, your angle of view, and your internal emotions.  Demonstrate how the other is affecting you using your body language.   

• You might fall to the floor for example and kick your legs up in the air like a bug on his back or a 2 year old throwing a fit.  
• You might pretend to choke yourself with your hands representing your feeling of emotional striangulation.  
• You may cover your ears and stamp your feet.  
• You may pretend to throw yourself in a garbage bag and put yourself by the door.  
• Perhaps you need to untie a shoe and exaggerate keep tripping over yourself.     

Think of soma-metaphors that best represent your internal feeling and perspective of the interactional situation.  Use your imaginations.  You will get better with creating these soma-metaphors over time. 
In this space, if you find it easily accessible, you may even enact something that demonstrates your empathy of the other person's experience.  If your partner is willing, you may use him as a move-able actor, putting him in a location and/or positioning his body to demonstrate how you feel.  For example, if you feel he is stepping all over you.  You may lay yourself down on the floor, take his foot and put it 2 inches from above your face to model this expression and get him to feel your experience transcendent of the words.  (Furthermore, a secondary gain of utilizing an exercise like this is that it demonstrates to both self and other that ultimately you trust the person).

Even if you don't come up with relational answers in this 2 minutes of shared space, or even if you don't get on the same relational page, the switching of directions from the "neurological stuck routes" of semantics to soma-based experiential movements will take you off your language fighting stuck mental platforms.  These exercises are like sending yourselves your own life-rings when you are about to ship wreck yourselves.

If you have created yourself into being more of a "shy" type and/or the type to feel self-conscious about moving body and/or being seen by other, that is a separate issue in and of itself, but if you are one of these types . . . ask yourself,  "can I take a risk for 1 minute of my time to try something new?  Can I risk looking like a dork or feeling stupid for 1 minute in order to not only preserve my relationship, but perhaps bring more intimacy?"  

Speaking of romantic intimacy, soma-metaphors are a playful way (even though they are fighting) of opening up neurological connections to shared body experiences, which can often lead to bedroom play at other points in time.

Shared Relational Signals (like the fist in air), Soma-Fighting and Soma Metaphors are 3 of the many soma-relational techniques you can learn to Edge your Life at San Diego Therapy.

"Yay . . .  Woo Hoo." I'm doing the cheer leader experiential movement for your relationship in my mind.  "Give me a G.  Give me an O.  Give me a Y.  Give me an O. Give me a U. Go You." hahaha.