Co-parenting Therapy for the coparent of a Narcissist coparent

www.livin4d.com
Narcissism can also be defined by low oxytocin levels.  Livin4d is a non-pathological approach to understanding differences in social behaviors.  Either therapeutic approach  makes sense.  Your view . . . is up to you.

When in a separated co-parenting scenario, the effects of a narcissistic parent's control and abuse on the family unit are devastating. Narcissistic effects are greater in a separated family than in a cohesive family primarily for 2 reasons:

1. There are individual co-parenting "wants" for perceived best interest of child and best interest of parent

2. Child alone time with narcissist parent

1. Since the parental couple is separated, each parent has individual "wants" connected to parenting related choices that are believed optimal for the child and are also in the best interest for the parent's life (separate from "shared parenting life"). The non-narcissist parent's "wants" are almost always superseded by the narcissist parent's ability to control the "want."

Parental "wants" may be related (but not limited) to the following topics:

• Preference of arrangement with respect to custody scheduled days
• Vacations and needed adjustments regarding time
• Passport want (if separated, requiring signatures of both parents) for travel includes out of country
• Child's enrollment and participation in sports and/or activity
• Monetary support (50/50 or legally agreed upon) with respect to needed timing for enrollment in activities 
• Location choice of school facility for child
• Purchase of school clothing and or any related perceived needs of child's items
• Religious affiliation

The narcissist parent focuses on maintaining a power of position in all situations. Therefore, whatever requests the non-narcissist co-parent may have regarding the child, simply due to the fact that it is a request, desire, or want, the narcissist will refuse and/or withhold giving an answer, permission or financial support (if needed), thus maintaining power and control.

For example if a parent wants to change days of custody share, the answer is "no." If a parent wants to go on a vacation and temporarily adjust time of parental share, the answer is , "no." If a co-parent wants to establish or renew a child's passport requiring a narcissist parent's signature, it is not provided, thus inhibiting travel. If a narcissist parent detects the desire of a co-parent to enroll the child in activities or sports, there is a delayed answer of approval and or denial of financial support. 

Often times when a co-signature is needed and/or 50/50 financial contribution, the deadline will be "missed" by the narcissist parent and the co-parent will not be able to enroll the child.  This type of controlling behavior from the narcissist is not overt. It often goes undetected by surrounding people.  It frequently leaves the co-parent feeling defeated and in a position of not having parenting voice.  Unfortunately, to be free of control, the co-parent must extinguish all desire of outcome for the child in which the narcissist parent needs to be involved.  The more money a co-parent has, the less she is able to be controlled. Yet finances don't buy complete freedom.

"Just learn to co-parent. Put your own egos aside" is often heard from by the outsiders.  They haven't a clue.  For untrained therapists lacking knowledge of true narcissistic dynamics, this erroneous response may also be subtly therapeutically reinforced.  The only research based therapeutic solution to co-parenting with a narcissist is that there is no such thing as co-parenting with a narcissist.

To a narcissistic parent, the "wants" of a child whatever they might be  . . . . don't matter . . . whether a child has an interest in a sport or activity, if the child wants to switch schools or if the child wants to travel is given no consideration by the narcissistic parent. 

To repeat, all decisions made by the narcissist parent are about power,  control and maintaining that status. To repeat, any attachment to support or an outcome for a child (whether overtly asked or not) by the co-parent gives an opportunity for the narcissist parent to put the co-parent in a position of powerlessness.

Unlike a co-parent request for support from a narcissist parent, in many given scenarios, a narcissist parent will unilaterally make decisions with no opportunity for corroboration from co-parent.   A narcissist parent will often disregard (supposed) legally mandated rules necessitating co-parenting approval.  For example, a narcissist parent might baptize a child without the awareness let alone consent of co-parent.  Unfortunately, even if such a thing (as religious affiliation and baptizing of a child) is legally agreed upon, there are often little or no ramifications for a narcissist's abuse of power and control in terms of unilateral parenting.  If legal aid is sought by a co-parent, the narcissist parent often paints the legal picture of the co-parent being anxious, not logical and frantic, over-reacting as usual. 

It is speculated that one reason for the legal system supporting (by not implementing consequences or enforcing mandates) unilateral narcissistic parenting decisions has to do with the fact that often, any voice from the co-parent regarding dismay or disapproval of unilateral parenting decisions by narcissist is typically viewed as an overreaction. 

 Furthermore, imagine a narcissistic co-parenting scenario that escalates to the levels of family court. What personality type do you think is more easily understood in a court situation in which each case is given 20 minutes of attention? The parent who attempts to legally connect all the years of dots and paint the picture of all the convoluted dismissing covert narcissist behaviors of power and control, getting more frustrated with each misunderstanding?  Or the parent who states, "She's got issues. She makes no sense."  Make cents? They do!  If in a narcissistic co-parenting relationship and it can be avoided, stay out of court.  Who cares about religion anyway?  Most of the time, court will only reinforce that religious affiliation selected for by narcissist parent fundamentally isn't important!  (Please note that a narcissist co-parenting situation is being described.  It is not that I support these behaviors as a therapist.  I am simply presenting the reality of our current social structure with respect to legal ramifications or lack there of).

Furthermore in situations where the co-parent has more emotional attachment to an outcome of a narcissist's unilateral choice, her response of disapproval may be further exaggerated in: affect, anxiety, tone, excitability in speech and other forms of demeanor, thus reinforcing perceived "overreaction."

This controlling narcissistic abuse frequently goes unnoticed by friends, age related parents and school personnel. Often, the story of the narcissist parent is believed by surrounding people as it is frequently  convincing, charming and charismatic. A narcissist's version of truth often places the narcissistic parent in the role of hero or savior while the co-parent is deemed "sick".  There are some severe cases where a co-parents' family of origin members and/or extended family "buy into" the narcissist's beguiling views.

For a co-parent with a narcissist to teach, educate and explain the subtle and pernicious methods of narcissistic control to an outsider let alone a judge would be a long convoluted story.  There is no point to such explanations. Current psychological literature attests to the fact that a narcissist victim often appears"crazy" to outsiders as she attempts to give voice to the controlling and abusive decisions let alone the gaslighting behaviors of her narcissist co-parent. 

The narcissist co-parent victim not only feels powerless, but often feels alone as no one hears her truth. A narcissist is not only very skilled at maintaining power and control within the co-parenting relationship, he is also skilled at influencing surrounding social members to view the co-parent in a light of "irrational, sick, demanding, unreasonable, incapable of parenting etc." In a narcissistic co-parenting scenario, the best thing a co-parent can do is stop attempting to defend and/or shed light on her side of story.  Most likely, her attempts at "connecting of the dots" for people's understanding is not only futile, but in attempting to do so, she may even be adding to the likelihood of a negative and erroneous social view of herself.

If a narcissist co-parent has romantic relationships with men or women other than the co-parent, these victims are regularly also viewed as sick.  Sometimes, the repetitious stories increase the co-parent's truth of being validated by society.  Often times, unless the romance partners also have shared kids with the narcissist, they go running for the hills and away from the narcissist.

As sad as it may be, for now, if the co-parent listens well to various social responses, she will stop attempting to get surrounding people to understand her situation.  She will not only silence herself, but she will accept that the child's wants will be further pushed aside in preservation of the narcissist power and control.

As a licensed therapist, I'm sorry to state this approach as being the ideal method of co-parenting with a narcissist as it is obviously not ideal.  It is however, based on the reality of our times.

Aside from decreasing talk about the situation, if one is the co-parent to a narcissistic co-parent, it is best to avoid putting yourself in any situation requiring the narcissist co-parent's money and/or verbal consent.  By following these two therapeutic tips, you will gain more emotional and psychological freedom.

If you are the victim of co-parenting gaslighting and/or narcissistic abuse and/or have a pending family court custody case, my office is in La Jolla, California and I offer in person and international skype sessions that won't sound as callous as this blogpost.  It is important to work with a therapist who understands the impacts of narcissism on a co-parenting family dynamic (including impacts on children and co-parents) as it is unlike any other "normal" co-parenting situation.   
Lily Kotila, M.A., M.A.T. 
(619) 750-2218

2.  A child spends isolated time with the narcissist parent

The more time a child spends in isolation time with the narcissist parent, the more s/he is either pushed into a Scapegoat or Golden Child role.  The more time the child spends alone with the narcissist parent, the more the child's voice and authentic self is shut down.

The child's self becomes replaced by encouraged emulation or projection of the Narcissist's behaviors including way of talking, ways of thinking, approved ways of dressing, interest in activities etc.  Similar to the co-parents voice not mattering to a narcissist parent, the child's voice also doesn't matter.  To a narcissist parent (whether a mother or father), all that matters pertains to the positioning of himself in the role of power, control and reverence. (Maternal narcissism and paternal narcissism present slightly differently as gender socialized roles are different).

When a narcissist parent remains in an in tact family, s/he often has less direct impact on the raising of a child as the non-narcissist parent takes over much of the conditioning, thus lessening the impact on a child's psyche.

www.livin4d.com
Narcissism can also be defined by low oxytocin levels.  Livin4d is a non-pathological approach to understanding differences in social behaviors.  Either therapeutic approach  makes sense.  Your view . . . is up to you.