Mind-Body Mapping and Meeting (Self Help Exercise)

Our minds and bodies are frequently disconnected. 

All interactional upsets and relational dysfunction can be "chunked down" to a simple core negative belief about "self."  It is important to have awareness about where our negative thinking patterns get adversely emotionally manifested in the body.

Once this core negative belief about self is identified, an associated emotion can also be identified.  Placement of the emotion in the body is recognizable.

Once we have knowing of our body placements of negative thinking and associated emotions, we can begin to send healing and balancing to our erroneously conditioned patterns of mind and body that keep us stuck.

Healing and balancing of core negative belief about self and the parallel soma-emotional response happens when we replace the erroneous negative self belief with a positive, reinforcing belief about self and a preferred associated emotion. 

Place hand on the "(-)" and "(+)" body locations where emotions manifest which may or may not be the same location.  Repeat your positive belief about self like a mantra as you transfer energy from the (-) manifested soma location to the (+) manifested soma location.  Create your own healing circuit and rewire your neural routes and soma-bodies.

Heal the mind, heal the body and re-enter the same or new relationships with a new perspective and way of being.

See diagrams below:

Emotional Qigong: Setting the stage for Mindful Thinking and Talking

In order to bring balance to life and to harmonize the inner and outer worlds, the ancient Chinese practice of Qigong incorporates 3 elements:

1. Body Posture + Movement

2. Breathing Techniques

3. Mental Focus

AWARENESS and NOTICING of the self with respect to: 

• the self (mind and body), 
• other
• the surrounding world 

is the key to maintaining a homeostatic balance between the inner and outer worlds of existence.  Homeostatic balance is important such that you can adjust your "mind and body attire" to that of the environment.  Awareness and noticing allows for power of choice.  If you are aware that it is psychologically raining, you know when to wear a rain coat, bring your own sun and or stay inside. If you don't know that it is psychologically raining, you will just enter the weather as is.

Emotions, life content and cognitive thought themes within our inner and outer worlds of existence are in constant flux, shifting and re-balancing over time.

Not only does awareness = more power, but the more we are in tune with our: 

• soma-holding patterns
• life breath
• thought processes 

 the closer contours we share with life, love and connection.

Being able to notice and make conscious mind and body adjustments paralleling life’s flux, helps to keep our beings function at optimal frequencies.  From an acupuncture perspective, "optimal being frequency" creates healthy functioning organs.  From a psychology perspective, it creates a sound state of mind.  From a social standpoint, loving and caring relationships are built from one's ability to adjust the self and adapt to surrounding changes based on awareness and noticing.

When our minds and bodies are in tune with each other, spiritual entering from the world moves into the being, and expansion from within is shared to the outer world.

We currently operate in such a fast-paced society that people are often not in tune with the micro-changes they need to be making in order to keep their systemic beings in harmony.

The point in time when people notice that changes need to be made is usually at the onset of symptoms, whether they be psychological, relational and/or medical.  If one slows down time and has awareness of subtle energetic shifts in his inner and outer worlds,  ongoing Emotional Qigong micro-shifts and adjustments can be made of 1,2,3 to keep the optimal contours of yin yang in balance such that love and connection is cultivated while decreasing onset of  various symptomology.

Conscious control of 1+2 in “slowed down time of the now,” primes the being for optimal mental focus.  In the space of optimal mental focus, "language of thought" and "language of speaking" can gently be guided and pruned into directions in which you want to grow, and in directions in which you want to cultivate the focus of your relationships.

Trauma & Touch: The Importance of Non-Sexual Connection

When people have been traumatized in life whether it be of body or mind, they can retreat deeper and deeper into themselves, isolating into protective bubbles from surrounding perceived threats. These  threats may or may not be real, but the perception of them is very real in that the perception is filtered through an activated sympathetic nervous system. 

An activated sympathetic nervous system means that there is a flooding of cortisol in the body (among other increases of neurotransmitters and hormones) that create a high anxiety alert mode response to a situation.  A non-PTSD response would occur within the parasympathetic nervous system which is more of an emotional resting state for the individual without the stress hormones over-intensifying the internal or external reaction.


What is perceived as a threat by one who has PTSD may be experienced as completely non-threatening to someone else.  It is not uncommon for a non-PTSDer to be quite surprised by what s/he perceives to be an "exaggerated" response by one who has PTSD.  If this trauma concept isn't addressed within relationships and discussed in terms of how it manifests with respect to relational interactions, the response can quickly initiate a spark which quickly burns into high intensity fighting.

When couples are educated not only about:

• symptoms of PTSD
• the effects it has on relationships
• and the best ways to deal with the trauma for both partners (the PTSDer and the non-PTSDer), such that their emotional, spiritual and mental needs can be supported, they can have very loving and connected relationships.

The concept of differing perception of threat between individuals is true for everyone depending on the content, whether or not an individual has PTSD. However, a perceived threat can manifest in a more pronounced reaction in one who has PTSD than from one who does not.

Depending on the internal PTSD cognitive and emotional land mind maps of the individual, different themes will elicit "internal retreats" and/or bubble formations of mind, psyche and/or body. If a couple is educated about the above mentioned educational components of PTSD, but also becomes familiar with the "PTSDer's landmine maps" as well as the "non PTSDer's parallel land mine association maps," an ideal relationship can be created.

In no way is focus on the non-PTSDer's parallel emotional states meant to take away from the intensity and trauma that a PTSDer experiences.  This stated, it is important to recognize that a non-PTSDer has a lot of feelings and sensitivities too, and for him/her to walk around emotional landmines of other all the time would be experienced as emotionally terrifying in and of itself.

Furthermore, it is fundamental for relationship optimization to recognize the two way effects of being caught in a PTSD relational warzone.  For further help creating a navigational map for a relationship that has experienced PTSD and/or complex trauma, contact Lily at: (619) 750-2218 or visit www.sandiegotherapy.org

PTSD Accupressure Circles: Self Help Technique

You may be familiar with the 12 chi meridians of the body.  Chi simply means "energy flow."

The practice of acupuncture is based within these 12 meridians.  Running along the meridians of the body are numerous needle point locations that connect to various organs, tissues and emotional positions within the body, so depending on where in your soma-body you are experiencing issues, the needle will be placed accordingly.

Acupuncture can be a very beneficial technique to assuage PTSD symptomology.  Everybody's PTSD and traumas manifest differently within the body, so if seeking the help of an acupuncture specialist to help with post-trauma soma-abreactions, it is important to let the practitioner know all the mapping zones in which you notice sensations.

It is also important to describe the types of sensations you are experiencing as there are many different forms of trauma sensations.  Some examples may include but not be limited to:

Tingling
Shaking
Electrical Current sensations
Vibrating
Numbness
Floating
Uncontrollable Body Jolts
Musculature clenching
Anatomical Holding Patterns
Spasming

Neuro-Soma Integration is a great way for your body to reveal to your mind the locations in which you are storing "trauma pockets." Trauma pockets are built up chi flow blockages and soma-neuronal confusion bundles which interrupt optimal functioning chi flow. 

NSI allows for natural dissipation of soma trauma pockets.  On it's own accord, when in supine position, and placing the body into resting state healing potential positioning, the mind unconsciously scans the body for these blockages.  Once they are identified by the mind, the body calls the mind into soma-location for healing, similar to a "sick cell" calling the immune system cells for a helping response.  Similar to how the body has cytochines and other chemical signals calling for the immune system, the body too has electrical signals that are sent to the mind calling for healing from the mind.  Once the mind is invited into these soma-locations of body, healing begins to happen.

In this space of healing, sometimes the mind is aware of psychological and cognitive memories and/or associations to soma-trauma manifestations and sometimes the mind is not consciously aware of any connection.  Whether the healing happens in the conscious or unconscious aspects of the mind is irrelevant with respect to returning to a non PTSD-resting state of body.  Please know and trust that the mind and body have just the right complementary relationship that they need to have.  You will be consciously aware of the mind-body connections in which you need to know . . . and there will also be healing and emotional repairs that happen on the outskirts of your cognitive mind.

At times while laying in supine position on a yoga mat on the floor, while breathing into your entire being and letting gravity fall the muscles away from your bones, you may start to shake in your being or in your breath and/or you may cry tears in eyes.  To repeat, sometimes you will be aware of the emotional cognitive connections and sometimes you will not.

In these times of mind-soma disconnect, you will not have any cognitive understanding for why your mind and body are crying and/or shaking.  These unconscious aspects are ok because the healing is happening behind the scenes of your mind that needs to happen.  The understanding of certain soma-trauma healing may be beyond human understanding and conscious ability to make sense of things.

At my office in La Jolla, California, I can guide you through NSI post-trauma and PTSD healing experiences.  You will be sent home with body diagrams notating the energetic blockages and places in your body in which:

• you experienced sensations or in which
• involuntary movements were observed.  

For some of these soma-manifestations notated on the body diagrams, you will have described a few neural word associations that will be notated in order to help you later make further connections for release of trauma.

Various sensations will be recorded by different symbols.  The body usually starts to invite the mind to repair PTSD soma-connections in the upper thorasic region first, followed by the lower extremities. The upper left side or the heart space is often the first part of the body to allow for connection and entry from the mind.  This location is designated as #1.  The upper Right thorasic area is defines as #2.  The lower left body is #3 and the lower right body is designated as body space #4.  There is no right or wrong of body release patterns.  Thus far, it has just been observed that this is a common body pathway for PTSD de-activation and the return to a non-activated resting state.

Regardless of whether or not you come to my office, a self help technique you can try at home that helps to reset the entire body's nervous system to a calm resting energy and vibration, (helping to engage the parasympathetic nervous system and let go of the sympathetic nervous system activation) is the "Intramuscular Circular Reflex Arc."

Place your middle finger and ring finger toward the outside of your pectoralis muscles of your chest.  . .  close to your shoulders.  If you palpate around the outer surrounding area of the chest muscles, you will notice that on both sides of the body, there are tender points. Place your middle and ring fingers at these designated tender points.  Apply relative pressure to suit your needs and move your fingers in circular motions in the direction of moving toward the arms as notated in diagram above.   

Do this motion for as long of a duration that feels right for you.  This circular motion helps to reset the body's stress response to a resting state.  This location is like a hub to chi flows.  Somehow the counterclockwise circular motion results in soma-tension release of body holding patterns that are spread throughout the entire body, even though you are only focused in this one spot.  It is equivalent to a transmitter for radio broadcast.  You speak to that spot and the message gets carried all around the being.

Babushka? Is that you? A List of Character Possibilities.

Babushka - a Russian woman who may show up in the morning to get a kid out of bed who doesn't want to go to school.  The Babushka may be very strict, stern and demanding.  She will most likely use a voice with a heavy accent and present as a powerful big woman.  This character of personality will most likely be very different from how the primary personality is in the world.

Creating a separate character space allows for easier access and utilization of this part as it doesn't feel so "out of character" to the individual. Creating the Babushka also deflects a child's anger away from the parent as it is the Babushka who shows up to get the kid out of bed in the morning, not the mother.  If the child gets angry at "mother," the Babushka may even tell the child that she sent her mother away for the morning so they could get to school on time.  This externalization is an example of putting primary ego aside and deflecting emotional engagement resulting in frictional escalation.  The Babushka isn't emotionally affected by relational friction in the same way that a mother would be due to the fact that the Babushka is performing her "job" in which she was hired :)

The Maid Team - When the maid team is called in for a cleaning, they must wear uniforms  . . . aprons and all (which can be made out of garbage bags and duct tape). If the primary cleaner is frustrated and/or doesn't feel appreciated for his/her efforts in cleaning the house, s/he will go "off duty" rather than get angry with other household members, which can result in many different interpersonal issues.  As the primary cleaner is "off duty," the maid team is called in to whip the house into shape.  All members will participate in the cleaning.  Aprons are not gender specific.  An ice cream party can be had at the end of the cleaning.  The primary maid (family member) may take off apron at the end of the cleaning and provide an overall rating and/or inspection with pass/failure status of the home.  (This isn't a dig . . it's cultural. . . to be honest, I don't know what a male version of an apron would look like. . . thoughts?)



The Police -  An "officer" may show up, having pushed the parent aside in order to evaluate the scene of two fighting children. S/he may have a "pretend walkie talkie" and a note pad of ticket paper to evaluate the scene and social culprits.  Better watch out or you may get a ticket!

  The Umpire - may also get called to plate in order to help make a decision for a close call.  Is the "sibling" safe?  Or is he "out?"  How many strikes does he have? 




Superman or Cheerleader -  

 
Men will tell you that they don't need kudos for a job well done.  Whether he has just fixed the car, changed a light bulb, picked the kids up from school or made a trip to the grocery store, it is important to honor their efforts.  Creating even just a 30 second space in time to "punctuate" the experience with a symbolic "thank you, appreciated gesture" adds (+) change to feed the relational bank.  Over time, this (+) change is important as it counteracts and balances out the inevitable (-) situations that periodically occur. Emphatically get into the experience.  If you don't want to get into the experience, fine . . .that is what the cheerleader is for!  Don't just moan, "good job." It's "YAY"   . . You can even have the kids participate in acknowledging and honoring dad's efforts.  Cheerleaders don't just talk with their mouths.  THEY CHEER WITH THEIR BODIES TOO!

Edging LIfe's Toolbox: "Personality Parts Pie Pieces"

                                                  THE RELATIONAL TOOLBOX 

"Personality Parts Pie Pieces:" Having fun with relational and/or familial Ego States by identifying different parts of personalities and actually giving them names.

San Diego Therapy utilizes a myriad of successful therapeutic aspects from eclectic psychological modalities.  However, when Edging Life's toolbox was created, these eclectic therapeutic elements were fused with daily realities such that one doesn't have to enter a therapy room and pay money in order to better their relationships (couple and/or family).  "Personality Parts Pie Pieces" is the couple's equivalent to "Family Fantasy Friends."

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At San Diego Therapy, Lily can help provide quick intervention to couple's escalation, personalized and tailored replicable concepts (tools) and expedient new angles of insight to get you shifting and moving in new directions . . . and fast.  You will notice change in your relational dynamic at home whether you are an individual, couple or a family.  Fill your toolbox with tools that have real life application in the direction of building rather than deconstructing.  The vision underpinning each tool  of Edging Life is:

• building a shared relational blueprint framework of understanding
• being happy in the now and 
• moving into a shared vision of future

Edging Life is NOT ABOUT:

• proving points
• attempting to change or "soften" (EFT step 7)
• practicing positive fighting techniques
• cultivating eye contact and empathetic listening (yes this is ideal, but the reality is, when two people are have two intensely differing views causing friction in the relationship (usually the point in which they seek therapy), the likelihood of one sitting down and really "empathically hearing" the other has the probability close to that of winning the lotto.  Furthermore, when this scenario of "eye contact and empathic listening" is dynamically modeled and "set up," there becomes a desired expectation for outcome.  When the desired outcome is not reached or manifested, the process meant to be effective, literally becomes a sabotaged "set up" for emotional failure and distancing, discouragement, resentment and eventual terminality of the relationship).  The process reinforces the hurt and unmet self ego needs.  This process does not cultivate relationship ego.
• learning therapeutic language structure for regurgitation
• reflective analysis of the past

NO NO NO NO NO NO NO.   NO!

TO REPEAT . . . Edging Life is NOT about further habituation of deleterious neurotransmitter patterns which happen as the result of the above mentioned bullets. 

Edging Life is not about giving you a neuro-communication map with directions and roads leading you out of the relationship (by re-hashing the above bullets), which unfortunately is what often ends up happening in traditional therapies due to below the surface intrinsic foundational tenets of the practice.
 
Reminder!!!  Currently there is not substantiated research proving the efficacy of couple's therapy on relationships in terms of cultivating happiness and/or decreasing divorce rates.  So why spend your money to focus on therapeutic issues?  Focus on "edging your life" by:

• building a shared relational blueprint framework of understanding
• being happy in the now and 
• moving into a shared vision of future

At San Diego Therapy, you will gain LIVIN4d perspective and/or Edging Life tools and other Edging Life Concepts to better your relationships.

San Diego Therapy has combed through years of psychology from: Bolby and his attachment theory to Bowen and the differentiated self, family systems, EMDR, Solution Focused Therapy, Satir, Strategic, Emotionally Focused Therapy and more . . .  in order to acquiesce effective underpinnings for an effective blueprint structure and toolbox for success.

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Lily Kotila views functional happy relationships as the goal.  "Personality Parts Pie Pieces" enables you to have fun with relational and/or familial Ego States by identifying different parts of personalities and actually giving them names.  It is a great way to bring humor into a relationship because it allows for embodiment of created characters with shared known reference points (bonding) into the dynamic which can often be funny.

The purpose of these characters is 3-fold:
1. To create a "shared platform" for perspective of an experience other than words.
2. On one side, to decrease anger/blame and on the other side to decrease disappointment/hurt (or any 'negative' emotion) as these created characters externalize parts of the person's personality and therefore remove personal ego which is sensitive and can be easily angered or hurt.  On a side-note, they often make people laugh.
3. Personality Part Pie Pieces help individuals and partners to catch accurate glimpses of "the self's" emotional states and behaviors, and to reflect on various aspects of their personalities.  By creating time and space for these externalized personality Pie Pieces, individuals become more familiar with their inner selves in terms of what environmental variables affect them and in terms of how they exhibit their personality in the world.

The more one knows the environmental aspects that onset or activate personality parts, the more one has regulatory ability and control of mood and interpersonal manifestations of behavioral choices.  Once these personality part pie pieces are identified, familiarity with personality parts and the environmental conditions influencing them become more known with time.

Along with personality familiarity, there is an increased likelihood of successful behavioral modification,  thought and emotional response.   Sometimes, when we are in ourselves, it is hard to accurately see ourselves.  So by identifying these Personality Pie Parts and externalizing them, this process helps us to accurately view who we are in the world as it gently holds our egos for a moment to give us true insight without self-blame or defenses. 

We can come up with Personality Pie Part characters and/or references of characters ourselves and or a partner can assign ones for us and vice-versa.  We don't always have to like the assigned aspects of self-character.  In fact, we can create fun character returns for the ones we don't like. The idea is to role play and have fun and bring in humor in order to expand internal awareness of self, other and of the relational dynamic.

 With respect to time, the stopping or pausing of time is an asset in that it calls attention to a personality ego-state  allowing for reflection and ownership of that part of self. Also with respect to time, the repetition of Personality Pie Parts (over time) is an asset in terms of familiarizing one's self with aspects of personality, thus being able to easily identify and manage internal states allowing for the control of unproductive behaviors.

For example, if "Evelyn" is an angry ego state . . .and "he" detected a slight Evelyn presence (hahaha), he might say, "Hey Evelyn baby, I love ya but maybe you wanna come for a visit next week?"  She might notice her soma-sensations and or thought processes associated with an "Evelyn" state prior to her full onset and do some internal self thinking or talk in order to not get so mad at partner for not meeting personal ego needs.  On the reverse side, he might be doing something that annoys her and she might warn him, "Hey babe.  Are you wanting a visit from Evelyn?"  Then this referrence gets him to stop and pause and self examine his behavior in terms of what he is doing that is not productive for the relationship.  His reflection of self may be able to come up with an identifiable personality aspect."

"Marathon Man" might be greeted as he arrives home at the door.  This might be appropriate if he comes home from work at 8pm for the 3rd night in a row and what you would really like is to have a shared dinner with him.  You can let him know that you'll see him in another 26 plus miles.  You can even throw on a pair of sneakers to make a funny point.

Evelyn and Marathon Man are just two examples of personality characters you can create in order to pause time, bring attention to internal states of emotion and demonstrate in a loving way how relational behaviors affect you.

The Personality Pie Part concepts are offshoots of Ego-States therapy.  Please do not think of them as an attempt to split apart the individual.  We are all dances of emotions in which there is a "step change" with any given song.  It is natural.  People do not dance Waltz to Samba music.  People don't dance cha-cha to the hustle. Therefore, when the song changes tune, you change your step to fit the beat. 

The more you have awareness of the steps that are in line with the music, the more you are in tune with the beat, the more beautiful your relational moves and understanding of self will be.  Life doesn't always play the same music . . . do you listen to the same song over and over and over again?  No.  Yet that is our typical approach to dynamics in relationships: to view and treat each other as if we are always performing one dance (insert primary person's name here).

More ego state examples to be provided in a future blog.

Twist: Silent Fighting Without Scorn

Couples get into arguments over the course of time.  As we are all unique individuals, there will undoubtedly be times when two people don't agree.

The more attachment each person has to the outcome, the greater the intensity of emotion, the greater the resistance to other (if not in line) and the increased likelihood for interpersonal escalation.  As mentioned in a previous livin4dtoo post, to give each person some frame of reference of other's attachment to an outcome, it is important to rate the level of attachment on a 1-10 scale. Sometimes it is important to share these attachment levels and sometimes it is simply an important self awareness skill in terms of being able to monitor internal reactivity.  Knowing an internal attachment level also helps in the decision of choosing self ego vs relational ego and which one to "feed."

If you and a partner are at a "deadlock" and your verbal arguing is increasing to the point where you feel an anxiety or anger manifestation in your body and/or you begin:

1. saying mean things, 
2. checking out or 
3. wanting to leave the premises, 

this is the space in which it is helpful to enact "Silent Fighting Without Scorn."

 When you twist your minds and bodies to "fight" in new directional paths, you can expect your outcomes to also be in new directional paths.  Transcend the words and move into solution.  Create a shared relational soma-signal so that when one of you does this signal, for ONE MINUTE, your mouths are entirely closed. If you pre-determine a "shared relational soma-signal," you will be able to access this signal as an easy go to technique when friction starts escalating and the other will know what you are doing.  You won't have to even talk about it.  You can just move into action.  When one person puts up the designated signal, it's time to switch fighting pathways, no questions asked.

I experience a good signalling method to be putting a fist up in the air to not only "put a stop on the self's escalation" but to inform the other of your desire to switch relational gears.  (It is also important to be on the same page with the shared relational soma-signal such that one partner doesn't think the fist in air technique represents wanting to slug a person or punch him out ;) haha).

Use your body and household quick grabbable props if needed to exaggerate your point, your angle of view, and your internal emotions.  Demonstrate how the other is affecting you using your body language.   

• You might fall to the floor for example and kick your legs up in the air like a bug on his back or a 2 year old throwing a fit.  
• You might pretend to choke yourself with your hands representing your feeling of emotional striangulation.  
• You may cover your ears and stamp your feet.  
• You may pretend to throw yourself in a garbage bag and put yourself by the door.  
• Perhaps you need to untie a shoe and exaggerate keep tripping over yourself.     

Think of soma-metaphors that best represent your internal feeling and perspective of the interactional situation.  Use your imaginations.  You will get better with creating these soma-metaphors over time. 
In this space, if you find it easily accessible, you may even enact something that demonstrates your empathy of the other person's experience.  If your partner is willing, you may use him as a move-able actor, putting him in a location and/or positioning his body to demonstrate how you feel.  For example, if you feel he is stepping all over you.  You may lay yourself down on the floor, take his foot and put it 2 inches from above your face to model this expression and get him to feel your experience transcendent of the words.  (Furthermore, a secondary gain of utilizing an exercise like this is that it demonstrates to both self and other that ultimately you trust the person).

Even if you don't come up with relational answers in this 2 minutes of shared space, or even if you don't get on the same relational page, the switching of directions from the "neurological stuck routes" of semantics to soma-based experiential movements will take you off your language fighting stuck mental platforms.  These exercises are like sending yourselves your own life-rings when you are about to ship wreck yourselves.

If you have created yourself into being more of a "shy" type and/or the type to feel self-conscious about moving body and/or being seen by other, that is a separate issue in and of itself, but if you are one of these types . . . ask yourself,  "can I take a risk for 1 minute of my time to try something new?  Can I risk looking like a dork or feeling stupid for 1 minute in order to not only preserve my relationship, but perhaps bring more intimacy?"  

Speaking of romantic intimacy, soma-metaphors are a playful way (even though they are fighting) of opening up neurological connections to shared body experiences, which can often lead to bedroom play at other points in time.

Shared Relational Signals (like the fist in air), Soma-Fighting and Soma Metaphors are 3 of the many soma-relational techniques you can learn to Edge your Life at San Diego Therapy.

"Yay . . .  Woo Hoo." I'm doing the cheer leader experiential movement for your relationship in my mind.  "Give me a G.  Give me an O.  Give me a Y.  Give me an O. Give me a U. Go You." hahaha.

Dear Women: TV channel your relationship. The No-Therapy Logical Theory for Guys

5/17/2016

Dear Women:

Hope you are well.

If you and your partner are not happy in your relationship, it's important to get "shifting" results in your dynamic . . .  and fast.  The longer you wait, the longer your relational machine's engine gets familiar with the frictional "gear and pace" in which you are driving.  

Get  your relationship oiled at San Diego Therapy.

You don't want to turn into nags and you don't want to build inner resentment.  You don't want him cheating and you don't want to break up. 

You are stuck in a rut.

So what do you do? Especially in the event that "he" doesn't want to go to therapy?  Nag him into going to see (most likely) a woman (no offense to us) who talks and thinks like a woman so that you can feel valued and heard?  Don't get me wrong.  I'm a woman too and it is important to feel valued and heard!! I'm not dissing our gender. 

Putting this concept aside for a moment, tenets from the book Men are from Mars Women are from Venus, written by John Gray didn't come from no-where.  Learn how to speak the language of a man by utilizing logical concepts that also embody the feminine. It's not about separating the genders . . .it's about spiritually transcending social classifications by using c0ncepts from the universal language of math.

At San Diego Therapy, you will learn how to base your relationship in logical mathematical principles that are also rooted in biological fractal concepts and apply them to  your dynamic whatever the content of frictional discord.

It's time to stop words falling on deaf ears and it's time to stop recycled cyclical patterns that don't transform your relationship.

Tired of the same old same old.  Don't pay for the same old same old.  Use quick based solutions that not only make sense but they are fun and create bonding experiences.

One example of San Diego Therapy's quick change tool box is the minute you find yourself reacting to something "he did." PAUSE.  Create a space for yourself in which you don't follow through with your conventional, traditional reactions whether they be of talk or behavior.  

Take a breath. Bite your tongue.  Purposely bring your habituated internal neural-network into different content areas.  Change the channel of your brain.  Switch it from the Action channel and/or the Scary movie channel to the Disney channel.  Changing channels is an internally active choice.  You will be watching a war zone if you leave it on history. . . Not like that channel will be playing romance anytime soon and if they do, it will most likely end in hemlock.

You don't have to change a thing other than the channel!!! By changing the channel, you change the timing in which you would manifest what you typically do.  Depending on what (x) is, . . . .wait 10 minutes or 1 day to react or ask, meanwhile keeping yourself entertained on another station.

Don't even reminisce or imagine what you would want to get from your partner because that reinforces the conditioned thought that you are not getting it and it neurologically conditions the discrepancy between what you want and the reality.  Learn to be happy with the reality and your reality will change.  It's a paradox, I know. 

Furthermore, it is important to change the internal relational channel when experiencing internal disappointment with "other," because if you don't, you will exude an energy current that will push him away even further.

You may notice after time has passed that (x) is no longer important to you, or you may notice that you actually get what you want due to the fact that the space was created "it" manifest without the energetic pressure on "him."  It's social math.

The power is in your hands with your "relational remote".  . . until you come into San Diego Therapy.

Momentum, Acceleration & Time: Clutch this!

When a person travels a certain distance in one psychological direction . . . if s/he wants to switch directions, she must be patient with: herself, others, and the world throughout this time of transition.

"Time takes Time." An Edging Life, concept from San Diego Therapy.

It is in this "waiting space" of time that the most difficulty and discomfort may be experienced. If driving on a highway headed east at 60 miles per hour and a person wanted to head west at the same speed, s/he would:

1. First have to put on the breaks and slow down
2. Wait for the car to stop (t=0).
3. Put the car in reverse . . .  or physically turn it around.

4. She would then have to wait for the car's Acceleration to resume to 60 mph which takes time for the engine to switch gears and rebuild to a speed (t=0-60).

In car terms, this process takes a matter of seconds or minutes.  Even then, people can get easily frustrated. In psychological time, the internal transition of life adjustment takes much longer.  My grandfather, "Poppy" (On a tangent . . .he was a A WWII B-17 pilot and poppies are the veteran memorial flower) used to say, "It takes 2x as long to pull yourself out of a direction as it took you to get in it."

Reversal time and/or new direction time is probably different for everyone . . . and it is dependent upon the life content, but regardless, to repeat . . .

"Time takes Time."

Being patient, (not even loving with thy self, though that would be ideal), self accepting and having  the ability to monitor "deleterious self and world actions" in the "Time takes Time space" is what separates those who have "success" in changing life directions from those who do not. 

It is important in this time space to be internally honest with self in terms of feelings. It can also be helpful to externalize the self in whatever legally acceptable ways one needs to experience"change" in order to switch life directions and not get stuck in the time space.

It is in the (t=0) space plus or minus a little (t) in both directions, that most people turn to drugs, alcohol and other ways of "acting in" or "acting out" as they often feel they are stuck.  Time doesn't change speeds or stop in the "time takes time" space, but people's internal relationship to time can change and the seconds can often feel drawn out into hours and the days into months.

The "beauty of time" is that it passes....as fast or slow as it does on any given perceived day. And the "ugly of time" can be that it passes.  . . but when in the "ugly of time," it's passing is a beautiful thing and the beauty of time is that it passes but when life is truly beautiful, we want to capture it and for it to remain still.  Cherish these moments  . . .because as the 12 step saying goes, "these too shall pass."

So . . .Time takes Time "to heal or change" . . .even if you are Niki Lauda.  It's a simple mathematical "Formula."  Remember, that even the most micro-made adjustments like Lauda's magnesium battery adjustment can have the most profound results in outcome. 

8 Family Fantasy Friend's 8

8 Family Fantasy Friend's 8 Character Examples

Using concepts from Edging Life, make family personality points and requests by using humor and laughing with animated externalized projections of self or representative projections of perceived other.  

This concept can be used by parents or by kids. It's a family dynamic right?  Teach kids how to communicate emotional needs and how they are affected too.  Model for them so they can in turn model for you. 

Teach your children how to communicate and make points and  they will in turn help you to become better parents and better husband and wives.  "It's a family affair."

These 8 externalized characters are just a few examples that create cohesive bonding experiences within the family dynamic.   

Confucius - The wise one may pop his head out if the parent or child has something profound and memorable s/he wants to share.

Monkey-See-Monkey Do - This one may "howler" at you if it is important to the person to do something different and/or break out of routine.  

The Witch - Is someone in the family in a bad mood today?  Being cranky?  Unnecessarily obnoxious?  Show him/her he is affecting you by his affect, demeanor and behavior.

The Teacher - Tired of the lessons?  Want to have fun?  Let mom or dad know by explaining to them in a loving way that you have had enough and need a break.  Stop words from falling on deaf ears. 

Make points in other ways from using your mouths.

The Bee - Is someone in your family going at too fast a pace?  Ask them to stop being such a busy bee.  Life enjoys the sweet taste of honey.  Not to just make it all the time.  Or is someone in the family interfering too much in your affairs?  In a loving way . . .tell them to buzz off.

The Nurse - Is someone in the family a hypochondriac?  Or is someone often looking for trouble?  Reflect back to the person your experience of him so that he has an opportunity to accurately see himself and make possible better changes in behavior and cognitive patterns in order to better the relational dynamic.  People so want to be good.  They so want to be the best people they can be and to be good parents or kids or lovers.  Sometimes we just get stuck and need a little help to get un"sick."  Words, are often not the way to go about getting change to happen.  Laughter is the best antidote for any nurse needed.

The Voo-Doo man -  Create a shrine in your house with an ambiguous voo-doo character.  It is also important to create a shrine with a cheerleader and a superman!!!! Honor the good as well as acknowledging growth areas. When someone is being really obnoxious, rather than say things you regret and or treat them badly . . . .show them how you feel.  Don't throw sticks and stones....jab their representations with needles.  Acupuncture of the spirit!  Woo hoo.

The Santa Claus -  Bring a type of this guy out to show that you really want something and that it is important to you whether it be emotional, physical, event attending or a purchase.  Be careful to not use him all the time or he will become like the "boy who cried wolf" version of the request form. 

Remember, these characters are used to make points.  If you use them too often, they start to become mundane.  BUT WAIT!  That is ok.  Then you just have to use your imagination to come up with new characters!!!

Even if you don't get (X), what you are asking for from the other person or family member, you create your own internal humor and fun, so that if someone else is being a curmudgeon, it doesn't affect you as much.  

X could mean:

•  a request for something (attendance at an event, a tangible thing, change in homework, affection)
• you want the other person to see how his/her behavior affects you
• you are trying to show how you internally feel and be understood by other

 You have solved your own cortisol issue with your own dopamine.  By decreasing your desire onto other, you may just get what you want at a later point in time because F3 removes the unseen emotional pressure.  The unseen emotional pressure acts like a magnet with +,+ or -,- in that it creates an unconscious repulsion.

Family Fantasy Friends is the self-help therapy solution for any family of most ages 6-106.   

As most of us like connection with "others," hopefully "the others" will join - in the fun and - in the creating of real working relationships without the divorce, splitting and/or distancing hardship.  It will transform those family relationships that are in co-exist mode.

Hopefully members will realize the importance of "together-bonding" and understand how emotional sharing or inter-bonding affects family personality cohesiveness.   If others don't want to participate and they want to be "party poopers,"  you have still created your own party without them.  You can even design your own party pooper doll. HAHAHAH!!

Origami Therapy

Origami Therapy

An Origami Therapist takes unilateral planes of existence and socially conditioned realities, facilitates by making a few folds in life and transforms your view into an aerial perspective.

An Origami therapist understands life and interactions within it from new "unseen before" angles.

Perception is all relative. If you don't get stuck in the false overlaid views from others . . if you don't buy into their false beliefs and judgements, you have the chance to live a life of flying. Living a life of flying does not mean living a life of running or existing in a life of fighting. An origami life transcends the 5 Fs:

1. Fight
2. Flight/Flee
3. Freeze
4. Food
5. Fornication

Don't get me wrong:

1°. healthy dialoguing
2°. moving & travelling,
3°. pausing
4°. eating
5°. physical intimacy and/or reproduction

can all be amazing things if we honor the spirit. Honoring the spirit of self and other is quite a different experience than protecting ego. There is a fine line between the 5 Fs and their mirrored reflections 5F°s.

I use the term "mirrored," but Origami Therapy doesn't simply reflect back what already exists . . . it takes what exists, makes a few folds and allows for light to enter into crevices previously obscured by mirrored reflection.

An origami life is "Free" of the F entrapments.

At San Diego Therapy, An Origami life consists of LIVIN4d and Edging Life, such that balance and harmony is achieved between body and mind, and between the inner and outer worlds.

An Origami Life allows for true visibility and true nourishing of each unique soul/sole.

When individuality is truly seen, respected and appreciated, relationships can fly together in harmony and enhance the individual as well as the collective source (energy exchange and flow and manifest).

These relationships may be of: romance, of friends, of parent child and/or of the self.

An Origami therapist will transform your life in any "facet of being" you desire because it is not about ruminating on details nor is it about reconditioning stuck emotional patterns or focusing on negative places.

Origami therapy opens aerial insight into new angles of knowing such that the past, present and future of self and other take on different meaning.

If an Origami crane lands on your car, receive 1/2 off a session.

At Home Couple's Therapy Questions to Stop Relationship Fighting

3 Question Quick Query: San Diego Therapy

If you are experiencing friction (fighting) in relationships, it is advised that you ask yourself the following 3 questions:

1.     How important is the content we are fighting about to me? (1-10) Is it worth the demise of the relationship? (yes or no).

2.     Is this frictional content something new or is it part of a recurring relational theme?  

3.      At the moment, what is my personal timeline with respect to the frictional issue in terms of my need to resolve, move forward and/or let go of it? (1 month, 3 months, 6 months, 1 year).

1. Many couples fight to greater or lesser degrees. The couple often fights about content that is perceived important to both individuals.  However in terms of the bigger couple's picture, the individual content is based on ego desire and is not in the best interest of the relationship.   

Ego desire is frequently not in line with the relational ego, yet we do not consciously think of this discrepancy.  We hold onto our ego desires and make the friction about "me" versus "you."

A relational ego and an individual ego must be differentiated, because if individual ego content is insisted on by both parties . . . often, the "ego content" results in a moot issue, as the relationship demises in friction before conclusion  is ever reached.  

 An example of this concept  of "relational ego versus individual ego" is fighting about whether or not each member of the couple wants to have 2 or 3 kids.  A couple may spend so much time arguing about finances, decisions, attempts to influence the other with respect to # of kids,  that the couple answer becomes obvious  . . .neither 2 or 3 (depending on starting point), as the couple ends up splitting where they are at.  

(With respect to LIVIN4d, it is typically the Orange Personality Type who will walk away from the relationship first when friction is occurring as the "affect range tolerance" is less than the Blue Personality Type.  Orange will have less attachment patience and/or patience threshold for fighting.  Orange would be classified as the "distancer" and Blue would be classified as the "pursuer."

This "less attachment style" is not better or worse than Blue, nor does it mean that the Orange cares less about "other" or about the relationship.  It simply has to do with the acceleration tolerance of the person.  If we think about these two personality types (Orange and Blue) in terms of cars, one car is ok to rev the engine up to 5 revolutions per minute and the other will not go past 3.5 rpms.  Keep this concept in mind when you are determining level of "ego  importance" with respect to the " relational ego" decision.  If your partner is an Orange, s/he may not be willing to put up with the same amount of "friction" or fighting as you).  It is for this reason that it is important for you as an individual to decide whether or not the content of fighting is worth possible ending of the relationship.

If couples just shared time and space internally sitting with their varying personal ego desires for a long enough period in time, the relational answer often gets subconsciously influenced in the direction that is best for the couple.  This doesn’t always mean that ego-self is satisfied, but the relational satisfaction will often overpower the individual ego dissatisfaction.  However, it ultimately comes down to whether or not you put your own ego needs ahead of relational needs or vice versa. If the ladder is the case, the relational friction will continue.  

The concept of "relational friction" also brings up an interesting point which is, whether or not individuals feel connected through the friction/fighting?  Many times, people will gravitate toward each other who have negative attachment styles. . . .meaning that they feel loved and cared about through the fighting.  Individuals who have positive attachment styles feel loved and cared about through sharing activities and non-fighting material.  Something to think about for your personal selves and the dynamics you create!

2.  As alluded to in the expansion of question 1, the pivotal frictional question can have a tendency to spoke out into different areas of couple’s arguing.  It won't always manifest like, "I want to have 2 kids."  "Well I want to have 1." "Screw you." "Yeah I want to be screwed." (LOL).

Using the above example from #1, individuals can fight about: finances, recreational time, sibling’s affect, vacations, nannies etc. all of which are driven by the below surface frictional question, "Do I (we, you) want to have 2 or 3 kids?   It is important to be individually in touch with the main “hub of content” of fighting such that one can internally monitor the upset rather than have the friction spew out all over the place.   

To use an analogy, uncontained friction is like jumping from state to state with no containing boundaries or borders.  Be aware of drawing the relational emotional reactivity lines and expectations such that you don’t end up moving coast to coast and traveling uncontrolled emotional territories. You'll pay an accumulated tax price on the relationship without even being aware of it along the way.  It will be a retroactive fee.

3.  If you notice yourself  ruminating on the “issue,”  and it has been an issue for 3 months, 6 months or a year (depending on your time line), it is simple .  . . Re-evaluate to yourself if the issue is more personally important than the relationship is to you.   

 If you notice yourself ruminating on the "issue" at one day, one week or three, notice how you externally manifest the internal upset.  Find ways to curb your external manifest and distract yourself as you would be "spewing your emotional ego hurt onto partner which will not project you in the direction you want to go in terms of creating the environment to get what you want.  (Find alternative outlets to filter this internal emotional ego hurt such as art, jogging or walking, friends, yoga, cooking etc).

If you decide the personal ego issue is more important to you than relational ego, before making any quick decisions, approach your partner and dialogue.  It may sound like this, “Babe, 6 months ago, we talked about having a 3^rd child.  I know and understand where you were at during the time.  I haven’t brought up the issue again in the last (6) months (and that has taken a lot of internal work and effort as I have chosen to put the relationship and my love for you first).  I am letting you know I have been sitting with my ego attachment (content) and enjoying our company and shared activities in the interim.   

The "issue" is still as important to me. (Or it is 80% as important to me as it was, but important enough for me to bring up again).  I am going to sit with the idea for another 3 months (or 6 months, whatever feels appropriate to you) to see if I am ok letting go of my individual ego needs to honor and feed the relationships. I’m not sure yet? . . . But I’m letting you know that "this issue" may be so important to me that I'd be willing to walk away from this relationship.  I am not threatening you in any way.  I just want to communicate the level of my ego importance so that we can both sit with the idea and make adult decisions in terms of what is best for our "individual egos" and/or preservation of the relationship "couple ego."

Then, give more time for your partner to experience the weight of content importance so that s/he can decide whether or not "individual ego" versus "couple ego" holds more weight.  Reminder:  Never take it personally that you as an individual are not valued by other.  It is not about "me versus you" although relational friction usually makes it seem like this is the case.