External and internal environmental material has no intrinsic (+, -) factors in and of themselves. The attachment of a positive or negative meaning is subjective and has to do with our perceptions of the content, event, tone of voice, intention etc. Even if someone does something that may seem overtly (-), it doesn't mean that that "something" is (-). However, due to our egos, we often interpret things that affect and elicit our emotions of sadness and/or anger as being (-) from other.
What happens in relationships over the months and years is that the schism between (+) and (-) perception of "other" becomes wider and wider. Dependent upon which part of the brain one feeds . . . the (+) or the (-) determines which neuro-network will grow and expand over the years. As the scale is tipped in one direction or the other (+) or (-) in terms of perspective, it becomes easier and easier to add and build more neutral content in the section/category that weighs more.
If you are in a relationship (with self or other) and you notice more and more friction between the two of you (self/self; self/other) and/or internal frustration levels increase or patience wanes, it is important to pause your internal neuro-network habits. In this space of pause, take note of your neurological habits and tendencies. In this "pause space," you have the power to re-route your cranial maps.
The next time you notice your affect energy being negative or pessimistic toward your partner, whether or not you have already physically engaged back in the cycle, (in other words if your negative energy is internal or external), ask yourself the question: "Do I want this relationship to stay together or be positive?"
- If your answer is "no," keep doing whatever you are already doing. The schism and negative thinking processes will continue to widen and the relational dynamic will become exacerbated.
- If your answer is "yes," that you want the relationship to be long term and you want to solidify the relational interchanges in a happy, dopamine platform . . .in this "pause space," begin to think about the last week, month or year in order to access some internal memories of positive interchanges, observed behaviors and or thoughts you have had about your partner.
Even if you can only think of one positive thing in the last year, bring this positive thing to the forefront of your brain. Ruminate on it. Slow down internal mental time and space out the seconds such that your body and mind can enjoy the memorable experience.
Everyone must start the shift of scale from (-) to (+) somewhere if so desired. Some relationships will be further down the negative scale in terms of tipped neurological platform and cranial negative roots than others. It doesn't matter how many rungs you have to climb up in order to shift the relational balance from (-) to (+), everyone has to start somewhere. It takes one step at a time and undoubtedly, some will have longer to climb.
The key with cranial content categories CCCs is to not let the negative side of the brain take over the positive because once it does, the negative side will create shadows on the positive side. Neutral elements (let alone negative perceived elements) and interactions exchanged with partner will so quickly be added to the negative lens category that relational demise is inevitable. Demise is always reversible if desired. This stated, the sooner you switch the relational sway of tipping from (+) to (-), the faster your turnaround time will be in terms of creating relational happiness.
Gottman states that it takes five positives in relational interaction to outweigh the effects of one negative interaction. I would add to that idea that dependent upon the emotional and/or thought weight of the negative, it may take even more positives to outweigh the negative. It is also important for the partner to understand "other's" 5 love languages (introduced by Chapman) such that s/he can appropriately attempt to "repay the debt" in ways that are received, appreciated and valued by partner rather than trying to "repay the debt" in ways that are important to self. This concept is often played out and repaying of the dept is attempted according to the giver's values, which contributes to more resentment and either acting out or shut down of the giver which is due to the attempted act not being acknowledged by the receiver. Putting the external attempts at amelioration aside. . . .
The concept of Cranial Content Categories (CCC) suggests that it is important to not wait for your partner to do or say a (+) thing in order to compensate for a (-) perceived thing because the waiting and/or expectation not only adds negative energy in the direction of partner, but it affects your energetic output as well (both internally and externally). Furthermore, s/he may be waiting for you do say a (+) thing due to her perception of any given adverse interchange or silence, leaving you both in a relational deadlock. Relational deadlocks don't remain neutral. By default, they end up moving into the (-) cranial categories.
Edging Life, part of www.sandiegotherapy.org suggests to internally readjust thinking patterns and partner contextual categories by doing things like cultivating and ruminating on positive memories, such that you shift your internal energy, resulting in external changes including but not limited to: expressions, tones, waiting periods of exasperation, helpfulness, patience etc.
The path to personal and relational happiness is via conscious internal neuro-network shifting from (-) to (+) as it takes away all "neediness" from "other." You have the power to control your thinking. You have the power to shift your energy. You have the power to pave your path.
Just because you don't express your internal thoughts in words, doesn't mean they are not felt and heard.
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